Fighting Fair

Recently, or I should say finally, I finished a book I was reading for months. With studying for my exams and everything else, it took me awhile. But it was worth it and somewhat valuable to take my time with the text. The book I completed is "Overcoming Emotions That Destroy: Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings That Ruin Relationships" by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson.

I heard a radio interview with Chip Ingram and decided that the themes of this book would go along with my goals of learning why I do what I do or why I react the way I do. I had noticed the last year or two becoming more annoyed with others (for seemingly small things like not knowing how to walk single file or closing a door right in front of me when I was right behind a person.) Yes, these are matters on manners, but I knew there must be a deeper meaning. Not to mention other times I get upset.

There are a few things I took away from this book: 1) Anger is only a secondary emotion. There is another feeling or feelings below that which is the true reason for anger. This could be feelings of loneliness, rejection, fear, being ignored, etc. Until we recognize what the underlying feelings are, our anger will not dissipate or change from anger to understanding, calm, or in some cases, resignation to the reality of a situation.

2) Expectations are a main cause of anger. If our expectations are different from what others expectations are, or that person is unaware of our expectations, then we are sure to be disappointed. Recognizing when an expectation is not met and understanding why it wasn't met (hopefully not personalizing it to ourselves) is a key to calming down an angry heart. In the manners example, instead of getting annoyed, I can have pity for the fact that the persons were not raised to have manners. Or, instead of feeling ignored because someone might walk right up to me (expecting me to move) instead of moving to their right, I might think that they must be preoccupied with a stressful situation on their minds.

3) Be a grace-giver. "Being a grace giver means not getting uptight at other's imperfections, slowness, quirks, miscommunications, or lack of insight. It means that we give up a critical spirit fed by expectations, shoulds, and oughts and replace it with tolerance and understanding. That has the power to change lives--both yours and others. What does a grace giver look like? Instead of grief, we give grace--a lot of freedom for people to be who they are and to make mistakes without someone coming down hard on them. Instead of criticizing, we hold our tongue. Instead of enforcing our rights, we back off. You and I long for others to be gracious towards us for our imperfections, yet too often we turn around and deprive others of graciousness." I have this page dog-eared in my book.

This is the most difficult thing to do on a regular basis (besides giving the benefit of the doubt in the above manners example). Putting this grace-giving into practice is difficult at first (I think of a teeter-totter...your inclination is like a bigger kid on one end wanting you to lean on the side of critical, whereas God (and your desire to reduce your anger level) are urging you to go to the other side where the smaller kid is...the one that would easily be beaten up by the bigger kid.) but I think it too can become easier over time. We just need to give ourselves the same grace for not being perfect on giving grace. We'll get there!

4) The Rules of Fighting Fair. I'm going to put these in verbatem from the text:

Fighting Fair

To disagree is one thing, to be disagreeable is another

When you find yourself in an argument:

1. Deal with the present issue only.

2. Refrain from using words like "always" and "never".

3. Examine yourself-your motives, mood and feelings.

4. Control your temper.

5. Try to understand the other person's position and feelings.

6. Use "I" words rather than "you" statements.

7. Stick to the issues and don't attack the other person's character.

8. Listen.

9. Remain open-minded.

10. Don't make statements that negate any possible response--that trap, corner, box, or hem a person in.

11. Assume innocence until proven guilty rather than vice versa.

12. When fighting, be aware of the surroundings and those nearby, and do so as privately as possible.

13. Stick to the content of the argument, not the process or the person.

14. After the argument, don't recount it to others in an effort to gain allies.

15. Be willing to compromise.

16. Be willing to admit weaknesses and mistakes and to say "I'm sorry."

Wow, talk about a tall order! I think #16 should be at the top of the list! Just recognizing that you did do something wrong (even if it was inadvertent) I think that defuses the situation and makes the other person willing to express their point of view and their true feelings regarding the subject matter (if they are upset with something you did).

I think I will reread this book once I've gotten through a few other books I've gotten as gifts that I haven't had the time to read yet. This subject matter is relevant to everyone and for me, a second go-around seems reasonable. :)